


fill me up with lightning (there is no solace in this storm)

by olivemartini



Series: All The Lovely Ones Have Scars [37]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Iron Man 2, SO MUCH FLUFF, insecure Pepper, we love Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 18:00:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18036194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olivemartini/pseuds/olivemartini
Summary: "I'm not like those girls you dated," She says, unsure why she is admitting it, only that she wants this thought that had been wriggling around in her head ever since they got together, the worry growing louder with every passing day.  Tony just stares at her, half guilty and half confused, because they had talked about this, those girls, and she promised that she wouldn't hold it against him.  And she wasn't, really.  This wasn't what this was about.





	fill me up with lightning (there is no solace in this storm)

**Author's Note:**

> WOAH so it's been like three months since I posted? Hope you guys are still sticking around to hear from me, full update on things at the end of the fic

She doesn't know what's wrong with her.

It's not that Tony's doing anything wrong, or that she doesn't want this, want  _him,_ but lately, anytime he comes close, anytime he even seems to  _consider_ reaching out to touch her, she flinches away, draws back, pretends that she has to work or call her mother.  She's faked enough migraines that Tony had actually made her set up an appointment with a doctor and made Jarvis promise to tell him if she cancels, but he's a smart guy, Tony.  It doesn't take him long to start thinking that the issue isn't really about the timing or her responsibilities, but in reality, all about them.

"Alright."  He doesn't look mad, just a little confused.  He had reached for her and Pepper had jumped out of the way, moving so far that she was now standing on the other side of the room.  "What gives?  Is it me?"  Pepper flips through the files in her hand to give herself time to answer but Tony doesn't even wait for her to draw in a breath before continuing on.  "Am I doing something?  Too fast, too slow?  Is it the at work thing?  We can set up boundaries, like, no PDA until after five."

Pepper snorts, but Tony isn't laughing.

"No."  She throws the files down on the countertop and moves away from him, reaching over to pour herself a cup of coffee.  "Nothing like that, and it's nothing you've done. You're perfect.  Everything about this is perfect."

It was.

Perfect.

She's spent so long loving him in silence that she had never thought about what it would be like if he actually loved her back. The idea always came to her in something of the abstract- grand declarations and fancy dinners, custom made jewelry and screaming matches that inevitably send them back into each other's arms.  But the reality of it was so much softer- the two of them falling asleep on the couch, him tucking her hair behind her ear as he passes behind her while they worked through their individual stacks of paper work in the garage, slow dancing in the kitchen, a single flower plucked off the sidewalk and left inside a coffee mug on her desk.  

"Then what?"  He had moved to stand behind her and was holding her from behind, his hands moving over her shoulders in a way that was supposed to be soothing, but all Pepper could think about was how she was caged in, confined.  "What is it?"  The coffee machine beeps and she has an excuse to move, sliding away from him, leaving Tony to stare after her.  "Tell me what's wrong, Pepper."

"Nothing."  She shook her head so quickly strands of hair fell loose from her bun.  "Nothing."

"Something.  Is it me?  Because every time I try to touch you, you pull away."  Pepper turns back to the files to avoid looking at him, because she knows he's right.  He reaches for her, and she finds an excuse to move away.  He offers to let her spend the night, and she goes back to her apartment, even though it meant waking up before six to get back to work on time and she had been sleeping in one of the spare bed rooms at the mansion for years.  He makes a move to take things one step further, and Pepper forces them two steps backward, and she doesn't know what's wrong with her, why she's holding herself back from something when she can't even remember what it's like not to want it.  "Do you not want this?  Us?"

"God."  Pepper let's the files flip closed and slams one hand down on the counter top with a smack, gripping the marble edges as if she needs the support.  "No, God, Tony, I want you.  All I ever wanted was you."

It's a startling declaration, because even though the two of them have both felt this creeping over their shoulders from almost the moment she started working for him, they are both intimately aware that this is something new, fragile and breakable, like if either of them put too much pressure on this new thing it will break and no amount of love will glue it back together.  

"Then what?  I just," He reaches out a hand on reflex and Pepper does not take it.  He let's it hang in the air for a moment before letting it drop back to his side.  "I just want to be good for you."

"Jesus," She says, and Pepper turns to go, that same urge not to be trapped building up inside her, making her feet move of her own accord, but she hears Tony call after her and cannot stand the wounded note of his voice, so she spins back around.  "I'm just not like the other girls you've dated, okay?" She shrugs her shoulders, defensive, and hunches in on herself like that would hide her from the stare he was sending her way.  "They're,"

"Nothing," Tony says, stumbling towards her, looking a cross between guilty and confused, because they had  _talked_ about this already, over and over in one of the first nights after they had gotten together, about how if they were going to do this then he had to be serious and he had said that he was, sworn that he was, that he didn't want to scare to her away but she was it for him.  About how he knows that she wasn't okay with it, had never been okay with it, but they didn't mean anything to him and she did, and that was going to make all the difference.  

 _I don't know how I feel about them meaning nothing.  There were so many,_ Pepper had said, and Tony had laughed even though it sounded hollow.   _That had to mean something._

 _They meant something. You mean more.  I was the one that didn't mean anything- an icon, not a person.  You,_ he had swallowed, and reached out to her, and when he touched her, Pepper could still feel the ache from where he had slammed into her in the Iron Man suit in order to save her life.   _You make me feel like I mean something._

"They were nothing," He repeats, and now he is within arms reach of her.  "I can't even remember most of their names."

She could, though, and that's the entire issue- their names and their faces and what they did for a living, how many nights he was with them, whether he actually like them or if he was just having fun, and Pepper thinks of telling him that his past relationships was the issue just to avoid the truth, but then she throws caution to the wind and says the thing she's been thinking practically since the first time she had escorted one of his one night stands out of the mansion.

"They're prettier," Pepper says, and the words sound just as ridiculous out loud as they had in her head, but Pepper could not help it.  After the initial adrenaline and relief of the night had been over, she started to think things- wriggling, incessant thoughts about how she was not good enough, not pretty enough or interesting enough or talented enough compared to these other women, these women who had lives independent of Tony, who had not relied on his good graces to build the foundation of their whole career. 

Tony laughs.  "What?"

"They're prettier than me.  They look," She's annoyed at herself and also worried about his reaction, and it makes her move away from him, cross her arms over her chest as another barrier to keep them apart.  "You dated models, Tony.  Honest to God runway models.  I can't compete with that."

"Who said you're competing?  There's no competition, Pepper, Pep," She had covered her face with her hands and Tony had crossed the room to pull them away, and now they are just holding hands in the middle of her office, Tony still with that soft smile on his face, like he doesn't quite understand what's happening.  "There's no one else for me but you, I told you that."

"But I'm still not," She swallows and looks off to the right instead of at his face so she doesn't have to meet his eyes.  "What you're used to."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Yes!"  She shrieks out the word and then lets out a groan, sinks back into her chair.  "You had all these girls, and they just threw themselves at you, and it would be different, if I had a bunch of guys throwing themselves at me, but I didn't, okay, and they were gorgeous and I'm not the type of woman who normally cares about that stuff, but," She's not.  She had gone halfway through college before buying any make up and even now she only worries about what makes her look the most professional, the most likely to be taken seriously.  She had never wanted to be pretty before, not when it seemed like you had to give up so many other parts of yourself to make it happen.  "I don't want to care what they look like.  And I don't want to think about you being with them, but- I was here.  I know what you like, who you like, and..." She shrugs her shoulders, miserable in spite of herself. "I just can't help thinking that I don't match up."

"God."  He swears, quite violently and fluently in Italian, and then he crouches down in front of her.  "All of those people- they were just to distract me from you.  I keep telling you that you're it for me and it's the most true thing I've ever said, Pepper Potts, from the moment you walked into my life I've spent every second trying to keep myself from loving you and it just hasn't worked.  Those girls, they are nothing, nothing,  _nothing,_ compared to you.  And if you think that I-," He pauses and looks away from her, and then takes her hand.  "If you think that I'm going to walk away from you because I suddenly decide that you don't measure up to those women I used to bring home, don't.  If there ever was a contest, you won a long time ago."

Pepper shakes her head, swipes at her tears.

"Do you want to know a secret?"  He is looking at her like she is something special, something beautiful, like she really is all he ever wanted.  "When I was in the cave, I thought of you.  Constantly, all the time, more than I should.  What you were doing, who you were talking to, what you looked like, if you were sad-,"

"Of course I was sad-,"

He cuts across her.  "I thought about going home.  And I thought about all the things I was going to do, all the things I would say to you.  I had all these plans to make myself a better man, but mostly, mostly I just wanted to tell you that I loved you."  He reaches up to tuck the loose strands of hair back around her ears.  "That's all I was thinking about, in that cave.  How much I loved you and how I would make you the happiest woman in the world, so long as someone gave me the chance to get back to you.  And I don't know if I've done that yet, made you happy.  But I'm going to try.  I'm going to spend the rest of my life being the best man that I can, just to make you happy."

Pepper's crying.  "You always were a good man.  I knew it."  Her smiles trembles, but it's a smile, and honestly, she can't remember being happier than she is now.  "It's just that now you know it too."

"You make me better."  He brings her hand to his lips, kisses her knuckles.  "You make me great.  So you don't have to worry, about not being enough.  You're everything that I ever wanted, even before I knew that I wanted it."

Pepper chokes on a laugh and it comes out as a sob, even though she isn't sad.  

"You're all I wanted, too.  When you were gone, I,"  She shakes her head and a tear slides off her cheek to land on Tony's arm.  "I would have given anything for you to come back.  And then you did.  You came home.  And I thought it didn't matter, if you didn't love me, just so long as you got to come home."

"But I did love you," He says, and Pepper laughs for real, sliding off the chair and into his arms so they are both tangled heap on the floor.  "I do love you."

"Good."  She does not want to say it.  Has not told him that she loves him, even though he must know it.  She has spent so long hiding it, it is nice to love him in silence without having to be afraid.  But maybe some things are best when they are brought out into the light.  "I love you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> We finally have fluff!  
> I've gone a super long time without posting, but college is a lot harder and a lot more work this semester than last semester, but fortunately, spring break is coming up soon so hopefully within a few weeks I might be able to spam you all with stories in order to make up for it!  
> If you want a better way to stay updated on my writing and when I post my fics, you can follow my NEW Instagram account @olive.writes.fanfic. I deleted my old one, so if you had followed me on that before, it no longer exists.  
> Anyways.  
> Hope you like this, leave me a comment if you did!


End file.
